Any Complaints?

In the days of my youth with the Royal Marines, the words of the title of this pieces were shouted in a very loud voice at meal times in barracks by a usually large and belligerent non-commissioned officer.
It is probably superfluous to add that whatever was served up to eat, only a stark raving lunatic with a death wish would think of saying "Yes Sergeant Major!"

There were times in the years of peace that followed that resolving a problem involved nothing more than picking up the telephone and telling whoever answered what concerned you.
Writing a letter to the Chairman of a Company would invariably elicit a letter in reply from the Chairman. I recall my wife writing to Sir Richard Branson of Virgin Trains about the iniquity of losing the money she had paid for a rail ticket when she was obliged for good reason to cancel her journey. A letter came from his deputy, saying that Sir Richard had asked him personally to reply settling the matter there and then to her satisfaction.

Oftimes these days, "your call is important to us but our representatives are busy dealing with other customers' problems" is the normal response to your call.  The businesses in question do not seem to understand, that if the organisation in question has so many people complaining about its products or services, the company has a serious problem!

That such telephone monologues are widespread is demonstrated in a Matt cartoon relating to the claim that our Ministry of Defence, with conflict in Libya and Afghanistan, may have bitten off more than it can chew.

Nowadays, making a complaint, my unmet friend Wendy Bennett from Aqualesia excepted, is a much more time-consuming affair. There are protocols to be observed and only people in an organisation with the right credentials can talk to you about your problem.

But now I have come across the ultimate. Having complained about a service - I know, but complaining more often or all the time comes with old age - I have received a four page leaflet, the front page of which with the name of the company deleted, is reproduced here, left.









I thought I knew how to make a complaint, but clearly I must have gone wrong somewhere, otherwise why send the leaflet?

The real purpose of the leaflet, of course, is not to let you know how to make a complaint, but how the company concerned will take forever to deal with a complaint you have already made. You find that hard to believe? Well! read page 3 entitled "How long will it take?

You may need to click on it to read the print. If that doesn't work, please complain to me by telephone, email or letter, including your birth certificate - original please no copies - a copy of a utility bill showing your address - passport - visa - and the maiden name of your first school teacher.

Or, just don't bother, because all our operatives have been made redundant.